Now A Family of *gulp* Six.

In the wake of the shootings on Friday in Connecticut, I have enjoyed the rising call for understanding and more treatment for mentally ill people.  There clearly was something "wrong" with the shooter. Autistic people do not plan mass killings just because they are autistic. In fact, I'm willing to bet what was diagnosed as Asperger's was probably something else - mood disorder, personality disturbance, whatever. Anyway. What I've especially been interested in is a mom's post about having a young teen with the same issues. I've been sad about the backlash. Because what she describes as an undiagnosed rage issue is exactly what Roman experienced when younger. She describes having to hold her son so he wouldn't throw himself out of the car into traffic after declaring he wanted to kill himself, and then getting elbowed, kicked, punched, etc. THIS IS WHAT ROMAN DID.  This began as an argument over blue pants. YES. I can't stand when people blame...

I finally said the words to Doug. They'd been rolling around in my mind off and on since this time last year, but I can confirm now that they are true. This is the least amount of fun I've had in my job for the entire 12 years I've been doing it - and I'm really, really close to making a change. This post isn't for you idiots who think teachers have it easy. Those of you who believe I took this job for the "great hours" or "summers off."  If your mantra is "those who can't, teach" then you probably aren't my friend anyway. Go away.  I've run the gamut of emotion over this career path - overwhelmed, insanely happy, inspired, amazed, irritated, angry, frustrated, creative, fulfilled.  I have never ONCE woken up in the morning and not wanted to go to work. Can you believe the blessing that is? Well, that is, until this year. I have a federal government that has put impossible timelines in place for my achievement. A state g...

*Warning* It's about to get gross. For those of you who have had cats, you will know what I'm talking about. You know that smell when the litterbox has gone too long without being cleaned? You know that tangy smell after the cat has urinated in the wrong area and you think you can still smell it? You know how most people gag at the smell of fresh & large excrement? This is our life now. No, we don't have a cat. We have a child who continues to meet our acknowledgement of "special needs." We have a child who unofficially has encopresis .  Let's get real about this. He poops in his pants every day. Every. DAY. Sometimes even more than once a day. We have that smell in our nose constantly, thinking we smell it everywhere - in the bed, in the car. It makes cozying up next to him a chore. I have had a nauseous feeling & headache for two days - because I can't escape it.  We divvy up the job - who is going to wipe his dried crusty butt when he gets...

A coworker is finally adopting an infant. They have waited for SO long, years in fact. I am so happy for her & her husband. News came in today that the birthmother has gone into labor & delivery will have to be by C-section... and then I had a rush of thoughts & feelings that I wish I could have said to my coworker. So here's what I would have liked to say: Remember that the happiest day of your life is the worst day of your baby's. Think of the triad - what are the birthparents going through, what is the baby going through? Be sensitive. The birthmother is going through trauma and will have nothing to show for it but a good decision. The baby, while going to a loving home, is losing its familiar world. Babies are made to be with their mothers. Be sensitive. Write everything down. You will not remember all the details of this amazing day, and your baby will want to know every. single. detail.  Sounds, smells, colors, people. It is so important to document your b...

Charlie had his first true playdate today. He met a friend from daycare at McDonald's, where the mom and I chatted and the boys ran around crazy in the play area, taking occasional breaks for their vanilla shakes. They played for an hour and a half. I say this in amazement and with a little bit of awe. Yet another example of what we didn't know with Roman, & how easy "normal" kids are. I was waiting for the moment - when Charlie would bust in rudely, say he was tired, bored, or didn't want to play with his friend anymore. It didn't happen. I was waiting for the faux injury to occur, so Charlie could cry and beg to go home. It didn't happen.  We went, we played, we went home with a minimal amount of whining for a McDonald's toy.  I don't think I can describe to you gentle readers what it's like with Roman, except to say, constantly exasperating.  Roman has never played for 1.5 hours without needing me to intervene. He is always bored withi...

Simon & Garfunkel had it right. Life is just going too quickly right now, or too much is happening, or... something. To catch 5 or 10 minutes where I can think, or even have a conversation with Doug - priceless. It's to the point that to even do the things we enjoy is getting to be a hassle. Something has got to give. And it will - after October. The boys have been swimming 1x a week, and Charlie has also been doing tang soo do (karate) 1x a week. Because Ro and Char give school their ALL, having this extra stuff wipes them out. We've been dealing with tired-meltdowns from both of them. So the decision was made that they will end swimming; but Goldfish wants 30 days' notice! And so they will go for another 4 weeks, because goshdarnit if we're paying, they are going!  Without swim, that gives our family an entire evening free. Roman has been continuing neurofeedback this entire time. We pay for it in 20-session blocks. Our next block of 20 will also be done at th...

What a crazy week! Three of the four of us went back to school, making for a complete shakeup of our routine. Roman was very excited to start school and see his friends again. Charlie was sort of excited... he was nervous about his daycare teacher and hoping she would be nice. Me, of course, I was worried about setting the right tone in class so the year would go right. Three days in, and we're close to our "usual." Charlie hates mornings and doesn't ever want to go to "school" but then loves it once he settles in. Roman seems to be happy, except he brought homework home tonight and made it clear that's what he dislikes about school. I finally am feeling more comfortable and getting a feel for my classes' personalities. Still wish I could have a housekeeper, as all the little things like laundry & dishes are falling behind!

Roman and I were just having a nice conversation about movies. He was asking what is involved in an R-rated movie that he couldn't see. I answered that it would be really violent, or have a lot of swear words, or other things that he didn't need to see. And he says, "I know. S-E-X."  And there it was. The conversation I had been wondering when would happen, is in my lap. So I asked him if he knew what it was. "Yes."  Can you tell me? "I don't want to explain it. It's disgusting." Do you know what it's for? "No."  To make babies.  "Oh. Did you and Daddy do that?"  Yes, that's how Charlie was made. "Oh, my gosh." I asked how he found out about it - "my friends." I asked what, do you just sit around the playground discussing this?  "No, remember that website with Nick?"  Oh yes I do. (a few months ago, they were discovered on an inappropriate website that Nick wanted to show Roman)....

Summer always re-motivates me to do things, both with the kids and for myself. Sometimes summer seems so long, with days and days with no plans. If you have children like mine, you would understand that this strikes fear into my heart! But then I realize, we have done some awesome stuff already and have more on the way! Consider: A re-enactment of the landing of Sicily during WWII A week's art camp for Roman 2 nature center classes for Ro 2 nature center classes for Charlie Long weekend in Traverse City area Swimming almost every day reunion picnic Splash park, beach, playdates Camping That's a lot to stuff into a couple months! Plus the doctor appointments, grocery shopping, and usual "stuff" that goes along with actually running a house & family. I have taken up the Couch to 5k program, which is supposed to train me to jog 3 miles in 9 weeks. It will certainly take me longer than that, but I am actually enjoying it. Once I got my breathing rhythm do...

With all of Roman's issues we've dealt with, we were sure that he would be the most affected by Doug's hospitalization. Maybe because of how he and we have learned to process things, however, Roman did well! It was Charlie, who we first thought was taking things in and we were doing a good job with, who has suffered the most. When Doug returned from the hospital Charlie was very excited, but within hours was gravitating toward me for everything. He got clingy, emotional, whiney & weepy. He would not go to Doug for anything, and sometimes would even deliberately skip over his Dad to ask me for things. The other night it all came to a head, when it was Doug's turn to put Charlie to bed. Char wanted nothing to do with him and started crying and having a tantrum over wanting me. As I finally calmed him down and agreed to put him to bed, out popped the fear that Charlie had been dealing with in his little 4 yro mind - "When is Daddy going to die?" With some ...

Surgery for Doug went fine, and after many more days of recovery, he returned home this past Tuesday. It's a delicate mix of resting and yet building his stamina back up. Doctors told him to go ahead and do normal things, but just do them very slowly. He's allowed to drive, but he can't report back to work until clearance from doc, which won't happen until at least next Thursday. A conundrum for Doug - on one hand, he doesn't mind sitting around the house for once with no stressors. On the other hand, it drives him crazy that he can't do the things that pop into his mind. The boys were so thrilled to have him back. Charlie, especially, seemed to struggle this time with a parent gone. He became more and more clingy to me, and even his preschool teacher said he was like a "lost puppy."  There was quite a change even the night that Doug got home. We had so many people step up for us - some we can never repay. Meals, watching the kids, and to top it of...

Our continued adventure at Botsford has led us to meet some great doctors. Dr. Eisenburg is the pulmonologist Doug was admitted under, and he's very casual and cool. Dr. Kaplan is also a pulmonologist that was on call over the weekend, also very nice. I didn't meet Dr. Jenner (Jennings?), the thoracic surgeon who will do the scraping, but Doug liked him. Surgery is going to be scheduled for Wednesday, hopefully in the morning. Because of the holiday weekend, it messes everything up. His surgery will be to remove the excess goo that can't be removed from around the lung. Basically, the goo is the body's way of isolating where the infection was - his left lung. It wraps around the lung, between the membrane and lung. The thicker the goo gets, it squeezes his lung and collapses it. Doctors guess that when Doug finally started having a problem, was because his entire left lung shut down. They have drained a bit over 3 liters and the goo that is left is turning into a je...

We are becoming true experts on the hospitals in our area. This week's adventure is brought to you by Doug, who is currently being attended to in the Critical Care Unit at Botsford. His pneumonia/fever was just not progressing, so they admitted him through the ER on Friday night. This morning they stuck a tube in his lung (yes - ow!) and immediately drained 2 liters of fluid out. Over the last few hours he has drained another liter, and it still keeps coming. Big Doc Pulmonologist stopped in later while I was there and said they want him to have another CT scan tomorrow to check that lung. He confirmed that indeed, it was "collapsing" in the lower part of his lung. He wants to make sure that it is beginning to "inflate" again. If all is well, the tube can come out and Doug can start healing. If not, the tube stays in until Monday. Big Doc P. also has a thoracic surgeon on hold, who has looked at Doug's tests & was present for the chest tube insertion, ...

Well, let's get the bad out of the way first - Doug is in a bad way. Out of the blue, he started feeling "dehydrated," then had a fever, then started getting really winded. 2 days later, diagnosed with pneumonia. The doctors did debate admitting him to the hospital, but decided to keep a close eye on him. He has reported 2 days already this week, with a third followup tomorrow. Two shots of antibiotics, one of steroids, 2 breathing treatments, and 2 prescriptions. He can't do much but walk really slowly around the house. It's quite scary, actually, when the rock of the family is all the sudden bedridden. The boys are handling it quite well; Roman was very anxious and worried for a couple days, but Charlie luckily is still in the stage where he believes everything we tell him. :)  Doug reports he's getting incrementally better, and that's all we can hope for. He's off work, trip to Germany cancelled, and his life is pretty much in limbo right now. For...

Our vacation did reveal one thing - wow, did Roman's ADHD medicine need some adjusting! I thought a couple times, if he acts close to this at school, no wonder he's having social trouble! The boy has flying thoughts and a mouth that almost keeps up with them. And I have noticed a handful of times that when he does his homework later in the evening, he can't focus worth anything. Like this evening, he spent 10 minutes trying to find the "right" pencil; then the pencil he had didn't have a good eraser, so he had to find another one; then it wasn't sharp enough; then the eraser was too loose so he kept fiddling with it. All while attempting a review math packet that is due tomorrow. He had an appointment with the psychiatrist this evening, not a moment too soon in our opinion. The last week, for a variety of reasons, played emotional havoc with Ro. He was very manic for a few days (grandparents coming to visit, going to see the Titanic exhibit); then he cra...

We have had quite a few adventures the past few days. Monticello was a hit with Roman (except for the garden walk - he'll be quick to tell you that). The next day we stopped at Montpelier, James Madison's home, which was sorta on the way to Richmond. That was also very interesting and I would have liked to spend more time there. We made it to Richmond around 2pm and decided to hit the Civil War museum. As usual, I would have liked to spend more time there - but with 2 kids who have short attention spans, it was best to move along. We discovered at the museum (part of which is run by the National Park Service) that they have a "junior ranger" program; do a certain number of activities and earn a badge. They also have "trading cards" particular to a place, usually 2-3. I think Ro would have preferred just getting candy or something, but both kids liked doing the activities. Wednesday was battlefield day. We started at Fredericksburg and did the short walk ...

Our vacation has been good so far! We are the kind of planners where we have one definite thing we want to do, and then explore the area or wait until we get somewhere to decide what else we might do. With 2 kids, swimming in the pool is mandatory every day! Saturday was our long day in the car, but we got to Berkley, WV about 4:00. The boys loved the suite because they had a tv to themselves, and Cartoon Network (we don't have that at home)!  We swam twice, before and after dinner, to reward the kids for being awesome in the car. The Easter Bunny came to our hotel room, too, both hiding eggs and leaving some candy and little toys for the kids. Sunday we had breakfast at Cracker Barrel, and it always pays to chat up the locals. We told a man we were going to do the coal mine tour, which he said was a great idea for the kids. Then he told us about the New River Gorge, which had the longest arch suspension bridge in the US/Western Hemisphere (there's apparently one in Japan a...

A rare shot of the subject doing quiet work... Roman, my heart. Outside of fart/poop jokes, his dry wit has us laughing out loud almost every day. He'll toss off a one liner, like the other day when they were all washing the Jeep. Doug said something about shuffling the brush over the car, or Charlie should shuffle over... Roman stuck his hands in his pocket and said, "you mean shuffle like this?" and proceeded to do a little tap dance number with a big grin on his face. He gets those little word plays that crack us up. In working with his adoption therapy, we found trying to get him to be okay with his story is just too challenging right now. He's got a lot of anger at his birthmom and a lot of feeling worthless that he's just not ready to tackle. So we are continuing on the plan to have him "graduate" from talk therapy for the time being, last appointment at the end of April. He really is controlling his moods & hyperactivity SO much better ...

My little independent son. Loves to be a helper - he wants to cook, do the dishes, and tonight he wanted to help me take the trash & recycling out. He's very proud of himself when he does, too. He loves cars, planes, "guys," & recently decided he needs to collect Pokemon cards like Roman. He also has shown some interest in creating Lego guys. At school his behavior is much improved. No more hitting. Between them and us, we've almost cured him of constant potty-talk, too. Now we're just in the "not following any directions" stage, which drives Doug crazy.  Charlie decided his second swim coach was not as good as his first, Mr. Joe. He told me he wouldn't do a rollover for anyone but Mr. Joe... so we switched his swim class to a new day & time to accommodate his affection. And what do you know, after 2 practices he's doing rollovers for Mr. Joe. Charlie is also excelling at Tiny Tigers tang soo do, earning his "tiger stripe...

I certainly can't call Charlie "Mr. Squishypants" anymore. Little guy turned four today! At times I can't believe how fast it's gone... and there are times when I feel like he's always been a part of our life. He's such a joy-bringer to our family. Watching him figure out the world is so much fun. From being a shocker pregnancy, to a shocker birth, this boy has grown to be quite a light for us. Happy birthday, Charlie-boy!

So, I mentioned in the previous post that I was working on bringing about balance between work and school. This weekend didn't count, though, because I had a ton of work to catch up on from when I was MIA. Otherwise, this week I did pretty good - although when at home and I thought of something from work, I had to consciously push it to the back of my mind. That's hard work! I knew that something was going to give, though, as soon as I signed Charlie up for swim lessons. Roman has therapy on Mondays, neurofeedback on Tuesdays along with tang soo do for Doug and Charlie, and now Charlie with swim on Wednesdays. And with the perspective that comes from being at home with no pressure from anywhere, I knew what had to give. I resigned my position as swim coach on Friday. Every other year we have "late" practice, which means 4:45-6pm. I wouldn't be able to do anything else, and I can't ask Doug to leave work early every day for 6 weeks. My family life comes f...

It has been an interesting break from work that I've completed. 3 weeks away from the classroom, and then another 2 weeks of break. A relative told me that there was a reason why it would happen during the school year and to go with the flow. Of all school years, this has been the most frustrating to me so I do find it interesting my medical needs came up when they did. In the break I found that I really like being at home. Of course, there was a lot to do - Christmas shopping & the like - and I could get that all done while the kids were at school. Once I could stand for more than 10 minutes at a time, cooking was (almost) fun because I had the time to plan ahead and everything was ready. I could do things for my family and for myself, and thus evenings were more relaxed (and Doug!) because there wasn't laundry, dishes, medicine to pick up, presents to wrap, etc. hanging over us. But I can see that staying home all the time would be hard on my brain. I like people, I l...

(note to self: update the blog page! It's not Christmas anymore!) 2012 is bringing interesting changes on the mental health front. At the end of December our weekly therapist, D, and I agreed that we have gone as far as possible in respect to learning strategies to help Roman (both on parental and his own part). there is one big thing left for him to deal with - his story. Roman does not like to talk about his birth or the fact that he was abandoned. He will talk about Russia; occasionally let slip that he thinks about his birthfamily; but when it comes to facing the hard truths, he gets very dysregulated. So that is our goal over the next 2-3 months - he will be creating a physical timeline of his life with ALL the details that we can put together between what we know, what his paperwork said, and what Doug & I gleaned when we were in Russia. It's going to be hard, intensive work for Roman but necessary. Our visit to D last week brought the introduction of the timelin...