Honesty takes us backward

I was gone for two days this past weekend. I could hear Girl ramping up her feelings - "This is the last time I'll see you," for example. As a good attachment mom, I reassured best as I could. Not surprisingly, she had an emotional meltdown within a few hours of my return on Sunday. I am totally used to this with my oldest, so I was ready. What I was NOT ready for, however, was her waterfall of honesty. She confirmed many things we had suspected but could not get her to admit.

• She wishes she were "normal." As in, didn't have this mixed up family situation. 
• Her behavior is always about making people happy. She will say what she thinks people want to hear, she will do things she thinks people want her to do, so they stay happy. And therefore, like her.
• Buying her things is how people show they love her. 
• She wants to avoid yelling at all costs.  She will do whatever needs doing so she doesn't get yelled at. Yelling scares her, although she doesn't remember her parents yelling (blocked it out).
• She is not sure whether she loves Doug & I. Me, probably. Doug is questionable.
• She feels no one wants her, and only wants her little brother. 
• She thinks neither of the boys want her around. 

So much heartache, so much to work through. When I told her we didn't want her to pretend for us, just be herself, she said sagely through tears, "I don't know who I am."  This poor girl has had to play a role for so many people, instead of just carefree little girl. She was her mommy's caretaker, brother's babysitter, and then has tried to be "perfect daughter" for two foster families. I hope we can start breaking down some of these masks.