Now A Family of *gulp* Six.

I was gone for two days this past weekend. I could hear Girl ramping up her feelings - "This is the last time I'll see you," for example. As a good attachment mom, I reassured best as I could. Not surprisingly, she had an emotional meltdown within a few hours of my return on Sunday. I am totally used to this with my oldest, so I was ready. What I was NOT ready for, however, was her waterfall of honesty. She confirmed many things we had suspected but could not get her to admit. She wishes she were "normal." As in, didn't have this mixed up family situation.  Her behavior is always about making people happy. She will say what she thinks people want to hear, she will do things she thinks people want her to do, so they stay happy. And therefore, like her. Buying her things is how people show they love her.  She wants to avoid yelling at all costs.  She will do whatever needs doing so she doesn't get yelled at. Yelling scares her, although she doesn...

June 11 marked one year since the kiddos moved in with us. During a visit with Girl's therapist, the three of us reflected on how things have changed & improved in that year. It really is amazing. Little Boy: Used to only communicate with about 2 words & screams. Clung to Sissy but liked us for entertainment. Went to sleep almost *too* well - never fussed, never called for anyone when he woke, slept for hours at a stretch. Clearly his escape.  Now? Talks constantly even when we can't understand him. Screams when rightfully upset or frustrated. Gives boys as much attention (or more, some days) as Sissy. Comes to Doug and I when hurt or needs comfort. Loves to cuddle with us. Fights his naps. :)  Acts appropriately when exploring new places, using us as his familiar point. Girl: Was clingy, behaved only to please, parented Little Boy, avoided all emotions except the occasional huge cry. Did not trust Doug or I to keep her safe or comfort her.  Now? The clingines...

When Roman first joined us, I wrote a blog about the kid subculture. It's this crazy world where you know the name of every color Wiggle, Barenaked Ladies also make kids' albums, and which tv shows are on Disney Jr. vs. Nick Jr. vs. PBS. Generally, my boys and I have not minded revisiting this world again. Here's what we have learned & confirmed: Caillou is still annoying. VeggieTales songs stand the test of time. JoJo Siwa is new to us, and also annoying. But her bows are apparently awesome to 6yro girls. Disney continues to rock the animated world. We didn't see "Moana" until the kids joined us, and I swear it's one of Roman's favorite movies now.  The "Banana Boat Song" (day-oh!) is still one of the best songs to entertain kids. Little Boy giggles throughout it. In our house, there's more to watch on Nick Jr than Disney Jr. (gasp!) More trips to the zoo! Charlie even admits he can do things he never got to do, like m...

"I knew we were screwed up, so at least Girl could be our cover." This was the general quote from their first mom, when describing how she made sure Girl was presentable, had nice manners, & always acted appropriately. This had an interesting effect on Girl however - she was raised from the beginning to think she had to be perfect. In looks, behavior, achievements - there had to be no mistakes.  Along with this came first mom's obsession (and now Girl's) with clothing, hair, and even makeup. Mommy would not allow anyone else to do Girl's hair, buy her clothes, or try to influence her in any way.  Also, of course, is the probably deep-seated belief that if only Girl had been more perfect, she could have stayed with Mommy. This belief manifests in interesting ways in day to day life. Girl has great resilience & can-do attitude. She is determined to complete things, even if she has to have a good cry in the middle of it. But it also means she wants to be in...

I spent this afternoon with the kiddos' mommy. She has been asking me to go shopping with her so she can buy "nice clothes," as she puts it. Ha, I was excited to shop with someone who fits into a medium. All the cute clothes! We hit Carson's since it is going out of business, and prices were 30-50% off. Still more than she's ever paid for clothes as she usually shops Wal-Mart. It has been so long since we've been able to chat without interruption, it was very nice. She is at a crossroads now, and more than once compared herself to a young child who is lost. She readily admits that she could not, and cannot, be a good every-day mom. She is their birthmom, but says she is more comfortable acting like their older sister because she considers Doug & I her parents as well. Or maybe, she says, she'll be like the "favorite aunt" as they grow up. She asked me directly for the first time if we should be doing a closed adoption instead, and if she sh...

I had long hair until 3rd grade, when it was cut & I had short hair ever since. When I got married in my mid-20s I had grown it out again to just past my shoulders, and it has never been that long since. Needless to say, I don't know how to do "girl hair." I can braid, sure, but that's it. Now I have another female in the house who is obsessed with her hair. And other people's hair. And their hair accessories. And the color of their hair. It goes deeper than that, though. In play therapy she usually identifies the "good" character as a blonde like her mommy. She hates dolls or characters with brown hair (her own). Any hairstyle I would suggest early on was met with a yuck-face or she'd let me try it, followed with - "it looks disgusting" and she'd take it out. So I gave up.  Last week Girl started mentioning doing her hair again, but kept coming up with ideas that can't be done with her length of hair. I suggested we loo...

One would think that holiday problems with foster children would be about their previous family(ies), traditions, or things of that nature. What we have run into is expectations. Specifically, amount expectations by Girl. This issue first appeared when she lost a tooth last summer. The previous foster mom warned me not to tell birth family right away, because not only did the tooth fairy visit foster family and left money for the tooth, but birth mom and birth grandma ALSO claimed to have been visited by the tooth fairy and brought *more* money. Obnoxious, point taken. But then, we found out that the tooth fairy at previous foster family brought waaaaay more $$ per tooth than ever would be brought to our house. Luckily Girl had never seen a gold dollar coin before, so that was unusual and distracting. Christmas was something else. Birth grandma seemed to spend an entire paycheck buying gifts for the kiddos - Girl specifically.  Doug and I early on decided to use the rhyme ...

I've been comfortable with the idea of counseling since I was in high school. That was when I first visited one to get help dealing with my emotions & to learn strategies to deal with certain situations. I found one again in college when I struggled with depression. And again when we were newly married and I had new situations to navigate. So when our oldest needed therapy for attachment and other issues, it was no big deal to enter into a 2.5 year relationship with a new therapist (since retired). Along the way, we've spread our dysfunction  needs to others; we now have a stable of 2 therapists who do counseling, a psychologist who does testing, & a psychiatrist who prescribes the medication three of us need to stay emotionally balanced. We've become well versed in the mental health field. In fact, I was jokingly offered a job at Easter Seals last week when I described how we handle emotional meltdowns . Enter the kiddos. Girl came to us already seeing a therapi...

It's difficult to find the correct line between allowing the kiddos to see their previous family members & working to make them a part of our family. I think it's so important to keep a connection with their blood relatives; at the same time, they are so dysfunctional. Girl acts out for a day or two after seeing them too. What's best for the kids? The ability to speak to blood relatives is important to me, as being adopted myself I never had that chance. But kiddos need to be safe, and definitely don't need to be exposed to certain things... ever. All throughout the fostering we made sure that they saw a particular grandparent who was involved, and occasionally saw an aunt & another grandparent too. Girl has expressed not caring if she sees them; but you can't always believe her attitude. She has accused me in the past of keeping her mom away from her, at the same time. And speaking of - they still see her, at our discretion. And boy, does Girl go through ...

Since Girl and Little Boy came to live with us, there's been lots of "finding the right words." How do you explain to Girl why she's moved to your home, her 5th house in 10 months, without making everyone else the villain? She herself gave us the words to explain one of her birthparents' problem: "they drink too many adult drinks."  So imagine explaining to Girl why her mommy is in a rehab center - because she needs help not drinking the adult drinks. Or why her daddy's visits were ended - he is drinking adult drinks before he sees them & it's against the rules. And it got worse. How do you tell Girl that it was decided she would be safest away from her mommy? That her hope of living with her again will never happen? There are no suggestions on the Internet, folks, because I Googled it in multiple ways. And even though in the situation, one can totally grasp why it's happening - you can't convince a young girl that it's the best...

The title of the blog, long dormant, has had to change. We are now a family of six, having taken in two foster children about 8 months ago. We had been long expecting it, and even joked about these particular children ending up in our home. Doug and I both feel that we were just waiting... not sure when they would arrive, but knowing in our hearts our family wasn't complete yet. A milestone for the kids has passed, and this past Monday we signed the papers to begin the adoption process. It is definitely not all rainbows and butterflies. Charlie especially is struggling with this change in our family. There are days one or more of us wants the kids to just. go. away. Life had gotten simple, organized, easy even. And while the daily task of raising four kids is sometimes overwhelming now, Doug and I continue to feel that long term we are the best family for them. So now I will have lots more to write about as we navigate this new chapter.