Now A Family of *gulp* Six.

I was gone for two days this past weekend. I could hear Girl ramping up her feelings - "This is the last time I'll see you," for example. As a good attachment mom, I reassured best as I could. Not surprisingly, she had an emotional meltdown within a few hours of my return on Sunday. I am totally used to this with my oldest, so I was ready. What I was NOT ready for, however, was her waterfall of honesty. She confirmed many things we had suspected but could not get her to admit. She wishes she were "normal." As in, didn't have this mixed up family situation.  Her behavior is always about making people happy. She will say what she thinks people want to hear, she will do things she thinks people want her to do, so they stay happy. And therefore, like her. Buying her things is how people show they love her.  She wants to avoid yelling at all costs.  She will do whatever needs doing so she doesn't get yelled at. Yelling scares her, although she doesn...

June 11 marked one year since the kiddos moved in with us. During a visit with Girl's therapist, the three of us reflected on how things have changed & improved in that year. It really is amazing. Little Boy: Used to only communicate with about 2 words & screams. Clung to Sissy but liked us for entertainment. Went to sleep almost *too* well - never fussed, never called for anyone when he woke, slept for hours at a stretch. Clearly his escape.  Now? Talks constantly even when we can't understand him. Screams when rightfully upset or frustrated. Gives boys as much attention (or more, some days) as Sissy. Comes to Doug and I when hurt or needs comfort. Loves to cuddle with us. Fights his naps. :)  Acts appropriately when exploring new places, using us as his familiar point. Girl: Was clingy, behaved only to please, parented Little Boy, avoided all emotions except the occasional huge cry. Did not trust Doug or I to keep her safe or comfort her.  Now? The clingines...

When Roman first joined us, I wrote a blog about the kid subculture. It's this crazy world where you know the name of every color Wiggle, Barenaked Ladies also make kids' albums, and which tv shows are on Disney Jr. vs. Nick Jr. vs. PBS. Generally, my boys and I have not minded revisiting this world again. Here's what we have learned & confirmed: Caillou is still annoying. VeggieTales songs stand the test of time. JoJo Siwa is new to us, and also annoying. But her bows are apparently awesome to 6yro girls. Disney continues to rock the animated world. We didn't see "Moana" until the kids joined us, and I swear it's one of Roman's favorite movies now.  The "Banana Boat Song" (day-oh!) is still one of the best songs to entertain kids. Little Boy giggles throughout it. In our house, there's more to watch on Nick Jr than Disney Jr. (gasp!) More trips to the zoo! Charlie even admits he can do things he never got to do, like m...

"I knew we were screwed up, so at least Girl could be our cover." This was the general quote from their first mom, when describing how she made sure Girl was presentable, had nice manners, & always acted appropriately. This had an interesting effect on Girl however - she was raised from the beginning to think she had to be perfect. In looks, behavior, achievements - there had to be no mistakes.  Along with this came first mom's obsession (and now Girl's) with clothing, hair, and even makeup. Mommy would not allow anyone else to do Girl's hair, buy her clothes, or try to influence her in any way.  Also, of course, is the probably deep-seated belief that if only Girl had been more perfect, she could have stayed with Mommy. This belief manifests in interesting ways in day to day life. Girl has great resilience & can-do attitude. She is determined to complete things, even if she has to have a good cry in the middle of it. But it also means she wants to be in...

I spent this afternoon with the kiddos' mommy. She has been asking me to go shopping with her so she can buy "nice clothes," as she puts it. Ha, I was excited to shop with someone who fits into a medium. All the cute clothes! We hit Carson's since it is going out of business, and prices were 30-50% off. Still more than she's ever paid for clothes as she usually shops Wal-Mart. It has been so long since we've been able to chat without interruption, it was very nice. She is at a crossroads now, and more than once compared herself to a young child who is lost. She readily admits that she could not, and cannot, be a good every-day mom. She is their birthmom, but says she is more comfortable acting like their older sister because she considers Doug & I her parents as well. Or maybe, she says, she'll be like the "favorite aunt" as they grow up. She asked me directly for the first time if we should be doing a closed adoption instead, and if she sh...

I had long hair until 3rd grade, when it was cut & I had short hair ever since. When I got married in my mid-20s I had grown it out again to just past my shoulders, and it has never been that long since. Needless to say, I don't know how to do "girl hair." I can braid, sure, but that's it. Now I have another female in the house who is obsessed with her hair. And other people's hair. And their hair accessories. And the color of their hair. It goes deeper than that, though. In play therapy she usually identifies the "good" character as a blonde like her mommy. She hates dolls or characters with brown hair (her own). Any hairstyle I would suggest early on was met with a yuck-face or she'd let me try it, followed with - "it looks disgusting" and she'd take it out. So I gave up.  Last week Girl started mentioning doing her hair again, but kept coming up with ideas that can't be done with her length of hair. I suggested we loo...

One would think that holiday problems with foster children would be about their previous family(ies), traditions, or things of that nature. What we have run into is expectations. Specifically, amount expectations by Girl. This issue first appeared when she lost a tooth last summer. The previous foster mom warned me not to tell birth family right away, because not only did the tooth fairy visit foster family and left money for the tooth, but birth mom and birth grandma ALSO claimed to have been visited by the tooth fairy and brought *more* money. Obnoxious, point taken. But then, we found out that the tooth fairy at previous foster family brought waaaaay more $$ per tooth than ever would be brought to our house. Luckily Girl had never seen a gold dollar coin before, so that was unusual and distracting. Christmas was something else. Birth grandma seemed to spend an entire paycheck buying gifts for the kiddos - Girl specifically.  Doug and I early on decided to use the rhyme ...

I've been comfortable with the idea of counseling since I was in high school. That was when I first visited one to get help dealing with my emotions & to learn strategies to deal with certain situations. I found one again in college when I struggled with depression. And again when we were newly married and I had new situations to navigate. So when our oldest needed therapy for attachment and other issues, it was no big deal to enter into a 2.5 year relationship with a new therapist (since retired). Along the way, we've spread our dysfunction  needs to others; we now have a stable of 2 therapists who do counseling, a psychologist who does testing, & a psychiatrist who prescribes the medication three of us need to stay emotionally balanced. We've become well versed in the mental health field. In fact, I was jokingly offered a job at Easter Seals last week when I described how we handle emotional meltdowns . Enter the kiddos. Girl came to us already seeing a therapi...

It's difficult to find the correct line between allowing the kiddos to see their previous family members & working to make them a part of our family. I think it's so important to keep a connection with their blood relatives; at the same time, they are so dysfunctional. Girl acts out for a day or two after seeing them too. What's best for the kids? The ability to speak to blood relatives is important to me, as being adopted myself I never had that chance. But kiddos need to be safe, and definitely don't need to be exposed to certain things... ever. All throughout the fostering we made sure that they saw a particular grandparent who was involved, and occasionally saw an aunt & another grandparent too. Girl has expressed not caring if she sees them; but you can't always believe her attitude. She has accused me in the past of keeping her mom away from her, at the same time. And speaking of - they still see her, at our discretion. And boy, does Girl go through ...

Since Girl and Little Boy came to live with us, there's been lots of "finding the right words." How do you explain to Girl why she's moved to your home, her 5th house in 10 months, without making everyone else the villain? She herself gave us the words to explain one of her birthparents' problem: "they drink too many adult drinks."  So imagine explaining to Girl why her mommy is in a rehab center - because she needs help not drinking the adult drinks. Or why her daddy's visits were ended - he is drinking adult drinks before he sees them & it's against the rules. And it got worse. How do you tell Girl that it was decided she would be safest away from her mommy? That her hope of living with her again will never happen? There are no suggestions on the Internet, folks, because I Googled it in multiple ways. And even though in the situation, one can totally grasp why it's happening - you can't convince a young girl that it's the best...

The title of the blog, long dormant, has had to change. We are now a family of six, having taken in two foster children about 8 months ago. We had been long expecting it, and even joked about these particular children ending up in our home. Doug and I both feel that we were just waiting... not sure when they would arrive, but knowing in our hearts our family wasn't complete yet. A milestone for the kids has passed, and this past Monday we signed the papers to begin the adoption process. It is definitely not all rainbows and butterflies. Charlie especially is struggling with this change in our family. There are days one or more of us wants the kids to just. go. away. Life had gotten simple, organized, easy even. And while the daily task of raising four kids is sometimes overwhelming now, Doug and I continue to feel that long term we are the best family for them. So now I will have lots more to write about as we navigate this new chapter.

Since we don't think we will move in the next, oh, 10 years at least, Doug and I decided it was time to systematically go through our entire house and clean out. "But you're always throwing things out!" I can hear my mom say. :)  Yet we are hoarders of other things. So we decided that every Wednesday (trash night) we would clean out a small area of our house - something we could do in an hour or less. "Is it beautiful or are we using it?" is our mantra. If the answer is no, it is donated or trashed. We started in the basement food storage area, then moved to the back room shelves and cleaned out enough to have an empty shelf.  Next I went through the drawers in a dresser in storage down there, cleaning out 2 drawers. Feeling empowered, we have moved on to the kitchen. I started on the "lazy susan" then moved to the cupboard above it in the corner. I shifted some things around, and now we have not only clean & organized areas, there is also ...

We have been taking Roman to OT now for a month. Three times a week, we jump in the car at 4pm, drive 50 min. to the office, do 50 min. of therapy, and then drive the 50 min. home again. It makes for some long days! However, his confidence has already grown, his core & upper arm strength is increasing, and best of all - his encopresis is already improving. They have an OT named Sandy that we had been told about, who apparently has a "magic touch" when it comes to this problem. She has done 3 half-hour sessions with Ro and the problem has gone from 3-4 times a week to 2x a week. She does something called "visceral manipulation." Basically, as she explains it, his internal organs and nerves in the private area are bound, restricted, and confused. She applies different techniques to his low back & upper buttocks. Ro doesn't mind it - he gets to watch a video while he lays on a massage table. Sandy told me she currently has five clients with encopres...

Kindergarten is hard. That's Charlie's summary of his school year so far. He has a teacher who has high expectations! It was a good/bad start - he likes school, but some things are too easy and boring (alphabet, he already knows it). On the other hand, some things have been challenging to him - cutting, sitting quietly. We have gotten 2 calls from his teacher so far about his behavior. We all agree his behavior is worse in the afternoon and it's because he is so darn tired! That doesn't excuse his hitting, of course, or refusing to follow directions - but it does explain it. He's on a special behavior plan now, where his teacher notifies us what "color" he is (green, yellow, blue, red). If he gets 2 green in a row, we will give him a reward. Since starting it 4 weeks ago, he has earned 3 rewards. It clearly helps. He likes gym the best, and loves before & after-school care. Playtime! He is definitely ready to read - he's always spelling out words ...

Roman finished 4th grade and as he described it, it was "bittersweet." in our district students switch schools to an upper elementary for 5/6 grade, and while he is excited to move on, he really doesn't do well with transitions & changes. He likes Social Studies, art, gym, & computer lab. Math & Language Arts is where he struggles. We had some interventions in place and his teacher continued to grant us extra time if needed for work.  His class traveled to Lansing to tour the state Supreme Court & the Capitol building, which he liked very much. It's great to see him understanding parts of our government and how the state/country works. This summer I've allowed him to be lazy. He has 3 friends in the neighborhood (all younger than him) that he plays with - they are all into Minecraft, a computer game. 2 of the 3 really like Legos too. His bestest friend who moved away, Nick, we try to see a couple times a month. He attended a laser tag birthday pa...

Family members not on Facebook, this is for you!  I'll get to my family in a future post, but today - projects. We've attacked many. Over winter break back in January, we had the wood floors refinished. Over spring break in April, we finally decided to act on our daydreams and redid the living room. I can't say remodeled, because we didn't change much.... but gutted? Definitely. We were excited for this project, but you know how one thing just snowballs into something else? Well, we pulled the old insulation down and besides a mouse nest (complete with baby), we found rotted deck boards. A lot of them.  After a couple of estimates and some discussion, we also got - a new roof! All in all, we had 13 deck boards replaced, a new roof, and new soffets & downspouts too. On the upside - we've noticed a temperature difference in our house already. Anyway... after our budget was surpassed (thanks, roof) and our couple-week timeline turned into a month, it...

My dislike of snow days started when Roman was probably 3 or 4. They were no longer fun, carefree days - they were a lot of work!  Having a lack of imagination, Roman needed constant "entertainment." He was always asking for me to play with him, create with him, watch TV with him... and if I tried to do tasks around the house, or heaven forbid - something fun for me - he would cry, yell, complain, you name it.  It makes sense to us now - an abandonment feeling, a need he had to be close to someone - but at the time, just the most frustrating, annoying behavior. It hasn't gotten much better with the addition of little brother. There are days that the boys play well together, and days where all they do is pick, poke, and yell at each other. Snow days, sadly, seem to be days they do not get along.  I actually dread the phone call, because all it means is a long day of playing referee, sending them to separate locations, and listening to them whine either about each other o...

Christmas: check. New Year's: check. Charlie's birthday: check. Semester break: check. Practically February: oh my gosh! 2013 arrived with a whoosh and it's been nonstop since we all returned to work/school. We had a great Christmas break, probably the best yet - spent time with family & friends, visited the Institute of Art for some fun, had a couple lazy pajama-days here at home. As usual, Charlie's birthday snuck up on us but he turned 5 with much fanfare. It seems the older he gets, the less he wants to follow directions - there is a large learning curve going on in his life right now. Of course, he reminds me of... well, of me. And I turned out just fine! Roman is finding 4th grade to be really fun and really tough all at the same time. Homework is taking longer & is much more involved. He's done a couple projects & the great thing is, he tells me he doesn't get nervous before he has to do a speech or presentation. What a grea...

In the wake of the shootings on Friday in Connecticut, I have enjoyed the rising call for understanding and more treatment for mentally ill people.  There clearly was something "wrong" with the shooter. Autistic people do not plan mass killings just because they are autistic. In fact, I'm willing to bet what was diagnosed as Asperger's was probably something else - mood disorder, personality disturbance, whatever. Anyway. What I've especially been interested in is a mom's post about having a young teen with the same issues. I've been sad about the backlash. Because what she describes as an undiagnosed rage issue is exactly what Roman experienced when younger. She describes having to hold her son so he wouldn't throw himself out of the car into traffic after declaring he wanted to kill himself, and then getting elbowed, kicked, punched, etc. THIS IS WHAT ROMAN DID.  This began as an argument over blue pants. YES. I can't stand when people blame...

I finally said the words to Doug. They'd been rolling around in my mind off and on since this time last year, but I can confirm now that they are true. This is the least amount of fun I've had in my job for the entire 12 years I've been doing it - and I'm really, really close to making a change. This post isn't for you idiots who think teachers have it easy. Those of you who believe I took this job for the "great hours" or "summers off."  If your mantra is "those who can't, teach" then you probably aren't my friend anyway. Go away.  I've run the gamut of emotion over this career path - overwhelmed, insanely happy, inspired, amazed, irritated, angry, frustrated, creative, fulfilled.  I have never ONCE woken up in the morning and not wanted to go to work. Can you believe the blessing that is? Well, that is, until this year. I have a federal government that has put impossible timelines in place for my achievement. A state g...