Now A Family of *gulp* Six.

I've been pretty emotional the past couple days. I thought it was stress. At my support group, they're thinking it might be because of Charlie, and my body remembering . Interesting idea.

After a meeting last night, a lady who is a midwife asked if she could ask me a personal question. Of course, I don't mind. She asked if I felt differently overall toward Charlie as an infant, than I did toward Roman as a baby. I know she didn't mean it like "do you love him more" kind of thing. Her experience is birthing babies, and the instincts that come with that, and she was curious if it has developed differently. My brief and precise answer was yes, I feel much differently toward Charlie than I did Roman. We talked a little, but I knew I needed to think more on it. At this point, of course, I don't love them any different. When we first got Roman, I loved him but it was more of a "I'm a responsible for him" love. It wasn't an all-encompassing, throw myself in front of a bus for him love. Yet. With Charlie, I did feel that immediately. Maybe it was because of the way he came to us. Maybe because he wasn't supposed to be here at all. But...

I think a little post-partum "baby blues" has finally begun to hit. It's totally expected that I, being slightly more prone to depression than most people, would have it anyway. Doug is under constant vigilance to make sure I don't fall into PPD. I know all the signs and symptoms, and even know what to do when I have them for an extended amount. So we'll see what happens. It's a bummer with Charlie in the hospital, can't figure out what's normal baby blues and what's stress from the situation. I'm not happy with what hormones are doing to my body postpartum either; specifically, acne. It was bad while pregnant, but now it's like my torso is one big zit. Yuck. I thought I'd try to cheer myself up today by slipping on a non-maternity shirt that I should be able to wear, forgetting that my "girls" are even bigger now than when I was pregnant. So my wardrobe currently is as follows: 2 pairs of velour elastic-waist lounge pants fro...

Today was a good day overall. I slept a lot - you can tell I must be tired since I slept on my back all night, and I'm a side-sleeper! I saw Charlie twice today, and in the afternoon I got to hold him again - from here on out known as "Kangaroo Care" when he just lays on my chest. My Mom spent an hour or so with Roman so Doug and I could be together with Charlie - the first time since Friday afternoon, really. My incision got to hurting quite a bit this afternoon, I think I overdid it a little. My Dad went home for a few a days but my Mom is going to play driver, cook, and cleaner this week to help me get back on my feet. The following week we're hoping Doug's parents can fill that role, and by then I can probably drive again. If not, I think I'll be calling in all those offers to help and turning them into driving me to the hospital. But we'll see. Roman is still hanging in there. He was very tired today, and he expressed many times today he was very happ...

Dr decided on Thursday that Charlie was "better out than in." So, after another round of hurried phone calls, I was prepped for emergency C-Section and Charlie was born at 7:23pm! He cried after being pulled out and his scores were all normal. We only saw him briefly through the porthole and they whisked him off to the NICU (Neonatal Intesive Care Unit.) Friday they put me on the Magnesium drip again because I am still considered pre-eclampsic and will continue to be for the next few days. Doug was able to see Charlie right away as did Roman and all Grandparents. I was able to see him this afternoon when they brought him down for five minutes. They layed Charlie and me "skin to skin." It just brought a big smile to my face and he calmed right down. Guess there is some truth to that bonding feeling! Charlie was on a CPAP (continous positive airway pressure) for about 12 hours but he's been pulled off and he is breathing on his own. He's been getting ...

My regular OB came around this afternoon to tell me that my urine protein continues to go up; I'm now at 2500+, and in his words the "go to" number (when they'd take the baby no matter what) is 5000+. Doug, upon hearing this information, immediately began to plot my numbers in a graph to see when I'll give birth, assuming my body functions like a linear equation. What a guy, my favorite engineer! Based on numbers and what the OB said in code, it's looking like our best bet is to hold out another couple weeks. So it may be a January birthday after all. My OB then explained their desire to transfer me to the OB docs here, and also refer me to a high-risk "maternal fetal medicine" doctor. The new OB came to see me this evening around 6:15 and after a conference with me, and then a call to the high risk dr., decided to put me on Procardia for my bp. This was expected, but she tells me that 80% of patients on Procardia experience headaches. Great. Like a ...

My days have more of a rhythm now. It's 6:45am and the nurses usually start in around 6am. The mystery doctor, I think, is from the OB staff here at the hospital. She also pushes on my belly when she visits. She comes in around 6am, followed by the blood pressure brigade. Today they wanted to weigh me, too. Then Dietary comes in around 7am with my menu to select for the next day. Today I am sneaking a peek at the Internet before breakfast, which comes around 7:30 or 8am. I am trying to have a new goal each day. For example, yesterday was to play "Civilization II" on the laptop, which it took me awhile to remember how to move my guys, but I did. Today I have to write to my grad class professors and ask if I can still do the journal work for credit. I asked my advisor on Monday but he said to ask them directly first. As for my vitals, I should get results of my blood & urine tests back today. My bp is creeping again, this time my lower (diastolic?) number. I've b...

I'm moving in, requesting things from Doug from home; pillows, personal hygiene stuff, clothes. It's nice I can wear my regular clothes here. The social worker came to visit me today - I liked her alot, better than the one we talked to this weekend.She was funny, said she knew right away I was a planner and a worrier. I didn't think it was that obvious, but she said she could tell from my job - any teacher is a planner and worrier! She gave me an overview of what to expect for myself and immediate family over the next few days, and suggestions on coping. First, she suggested journaling - which I obviously do. She said besides my own feelings, however, I have to start journaling TO Charlie. This was an idea i hadn't gotten to yet, but she said a lot of women will get angry with the fetus over this situation and therefore not bond later (another topic I've been thinking on for awhile) so she encouraged me to write to Charlie. I told her I scrapbooked too, and we talke...

There's a mystery doctor that checks in every night around 2 or 3am. I have no idea who she is or why she's stopping by. She asks me a couple questions, pokes my ankles, and then leaves. Weird. My regular OB came around today, the same one who was on call when I went to the hospital on Friday. I'm kind of sad that they probably won't be delivering Charlie, since I like a couple of them very much now. She told me frankly that she truly believed I was going to have to deliver this weekend, and she was pleased to see I proved her wrong. She said whatever it was that made me go to the hospital, it was a blessing. Thank goodness for that! The neonatologist also came by to see me today and present "worst case scenarios." Doug and I are both that way, though - give us the worst, and we'll be pleased when things aren't bad. Most of it was unsurprising (lung, eye, and brain issues with a preemie) but a couple things we'll have to talk about - breastfeeding,...

I was glad to have a "to do" list this morning. Had to contact Madonna about my grad classes, and then school/Board Office to arrange my absence, do some other things. Had a phone call from a friend in Ireland, even, which buoyed my spirits. Mornings are hard, I wake up pretty weepy knowing that the world is going on without me and I can't contact people before 8am. Of course, the breakfast tray at 7:30am makes me feel a bit better. It's been nice having so many phone calls, as I'm sure as the days go by I'll get less and less. They are doing construction around here and I can hear the sound of metal being snaked through pipes above my room. As for tests, they are running the urine screen again, and along with that came a blood draw at 7:00am. Then my dr. apparently asked for other blood screenings, so she had to come back and take more. I am doing my own work for the urine tests, have to pour it into a jug. "Earning my keep," as Doug said. My bp...

Another day in the belly is a good day. My bp has been creeping up, which they are watching, but my mind doesn't like to rest (and neither does my appetite), which I think can account for the high numbers. My urine test from Friday came back; they like to see protein between 0-300+, and I was at 1650+. So they are going to redo it starting Monday a.m. to make sure it's not getting worse. Charlie is doing just fine on the monitor, no big deal. I'm not having contractions anymore, which is good too. So I get tricked into thinking everything is fine. The dr. and nurse reassured me today, however, that half of the worry is me - if my bp keeps going up high I am at risk for stroke, seizure, and all kinds of fun things. So they've been taking it, oh, probably every 4 hours. I may have to actually pay attention to that tomorrow. Both Roman and Doug have been troopers but are also exhausted. Roman was in bed by 6:45pm tonight and asleep by 7pm, from what I was told; that was...

So. Many of you know the drama of the last couple days, but here it is to fill everyone in. I am in the hospital under bed rest orders until the baby comes. We are hoping to get to 34 weeks (I'm 291/2) but as my dr. said, each day in the belly is worth 4 in the NICU, so we'll just take it one day at a time. I had growing backaches the last week - nothing unusual, I figured, for Charlie gaining weight. Then I felt chest burning and pain - heartburn, I figured, nothing unusual since Charlie's growing and smushing up my organs. But the chest burning got worse. And worse. And by Thursday night, nothing could stop the pain. So at my normal 4am wakeup, I thought, I'm going to the ER, get me some pain medicine, and I'll be back in time for Doug to go to work. Luckily I had already called a sub for Friday and had planned on staying home with Roman. Drove myself, and I got to the hospital and started crying at registration because the pain was so bad. Because of the pregnanc...

We had dinner at church tonight. I mentioned off-hand that someone else's kids were adopted. Roman asked, "When will the baby be adopted?" Now, I figured eventually he would get to asking questions, but I didn't expect it in this form! Here's how the conversation went: Roman: "When will the baby be adopted?" Doug: "It won't be, honey." Amy: "It doesn't get to be that lucky." Roman: "Because I came from someone else's tummy." Amy: "Yes, that's true. And she couldn't take care of you, so she allowed you to be adopted." Roman: "Why not?" (Doug and Amy meet eyes, take deep breaths... this is really the first time he's asked.) Amy: "She did not have a lot of money. She could not afford to buy you toys, or buy a lot of food, or make sure you had nice things. And she wanted you to have toys & nice things. So she decided you should live with a family who could give you those thing...

I have had an interesting slide into the last trimester. My stomach has seemed to shrink overnight. Like Saturday I couldn't stop eating, and Sunday I couldn't eat a thing. It has been that way since, unfortunately - I am not hungry anymore, generally. I'm supposed to drink a lot of water, but there's no room for it in my stomach OR my bladder. And that old friend fatigue has come back to visit for good, I fear. I wake up about three times a night; around 1 or 1:30, around 4:00, and then again around 5 or 5:30, only a half hour before the alarm is going to go off. The only time I go to the bathroom is 4am, however; the other times are position changes. Charlie is really rock-and-rolling in my belly now. Visual "waves" are noticeable; in fact, as I just finished that last paragraph, he moved around enough to make the laptop bounce on my lap. The kids at school make no bones about checking out my belly now - who wouldn't, when the great white whale is making...