Now A Family of *gulp* Six.

We have been taking Roman to OT now for a month. Three times a week, we jump in the car at 4pm, drive 50 min. to the office, do 50 min. of therapy, and then drive the 50 min. home again. It makes for some long days! However, his confidence has already grown, his core & upper arm strength is increasing, and best of all - his encopresis is already improving. They have an OT named Sandy that we had been told about, who apparently has a "magic touch" when it comes to this problem. She has done 3 half-hour sessions with Ro and the problem has gone from 3-4 times a week to 2x a week. She does something called "visceral manipulation." Basically, as she explains it, his internal organs and nerves in the private area are bound, restricted, and confused. She applies different techniques to his low back & upper buttocks. Ro doesn't mind it - he gets to watch a video while he lays on a massage table. Sandy told me she currently has five clients with encopres...

Roman finished 4th grade and as he described it, it was "bittersweet." in our district students switch schools to an upper elementary for 5/6 grade, and while he is excited to move on, he really doesn't do well with transitions & changes. He likes Social Studies, art, gym, & computer lab. Math & Language Arts is where he struggles. We had some interventions in place and his teacher continued to grant us extra time if needed for work.  His class traveled to Lansing to tour the state Supreme Court & the Capitol building, which he liked very much. It's great to see him understanding parts of our government and how the state/country works. This summer I've allowed him to be lazy. He has 3 friends in the neighborhood (all younger than him) that he plays with - they are all into Minecraft, a computer game. 2 of the 3 really like Legos too. His bestest friend who moved away, Nick, we try to see a couple times a month. He attended a laser tag birthday pa...

In the wake of the shootings on Friday in Connecticut, I have enjoyed the rising call for understanding and more treatment for mentally ill people.  There clearly was something "wrong" with the shooter. Autistic people do not plan mass killings just because they are autistic. In fact, I'm willing to bet what was diagnosed as Asperger's was probably something else - mood disorder, personality disturbance, whatever. Anyway. What I've especially been interested in is a mom's post about having a young teen with the same issues. I've been sad about the backlash. Because what she describes as an undiagnosed rage issue is exactly what Roman experienced when younger. She describes having to hold her son so he wouldn't throw himself out of the car into traffic after declaring he wanted to kill himself, and then getting elbowed, kicked, punched, etc. THIS IS WHAT ROMAN DID.  This began as an argument over blue pants. YES. I can't stand when people blame...

Charlie had his first true playdate today. He met a friend from daycare at McDonald's, where the mom and I chatted and the boys ran around crazy in the play area, taking occasional breaks for their vanilla shakes. They played for an hour and a half. I say this in amazement and with a little bit of awe. Yet another example of what we didn't know with Roman, & how easy "normal" kids are. I was waiting for the moment - when Charlie would bust in rudely, say he was tired, bored, or didn't want to play with his friend anymore. It didn't happen. I was waiting for the faux injury to occur, so Charlie could cry and beg to go home. It didn't happen.  We went, we played, we went home with a minimal amount of whining for a McDonald's toy.  I don't think I can describe to you gentle readers what it's like with Roman, except to say, constantly exasperating.  Roman has never played for 1.5 hours without needing me to intervene. He is always bored withi...

Roman and I were just having a nice conversation about movies. He was asking what is involved in an R-rated movie that he couldn't see. I answered that it would be really violent, or have a lot of swear words, or other things that he didn't need to see. And he says, "I know. S-E-X."  And there it was. The conversation I had been wondering when would happen, is in my lap. So I asked him if he knew what it was. "Yes."  Can you tell me? "I don't want to explain it. It's disgusting." Do you know what it's for? "No."  To make babies.  "Oh. Did you and Daddy do that?"  Yes, that's how Charlie was made. "Oh, my gosh." I asked how he found out about it - "my friends." I asked what, do you just sit around the playground discussing this?  "No, remember that website with Nick?"  Oh yes I do. (a few months ago, they were discovered on an inappropriate website that Nick wanted to show Roman)....

Our vacation did reveal one thing - wow, did Roman's ADHD medicine need some adjusting! I thought a couple times, if he acts close to this at school, no wonder he's having social trouble! The boy has flying thoughts and a mouth that almost keeps up with them. And I have noticed a handful of times that when he does his homework later in the evening, he can't focus worth anything. Like this evening, he spent 10 minutes trying to find the "right" pencil; then the pencil he had didn't have a good eraser, so he had to find another one; then it wasn't sharp enough; then the eraser was too loose so he kept fiddling with it. All while attempting a review math packet that is due tomorrow. He had an appointment with the psychiatrist this evening, not a moment too soon in our opinion. The last week, for a variety of reasons, played emotional havoc with Ro. He was very manic for a few days (grandparents coming to visit, going to see the Titanic exhibit); then he cra...

A rare shot of the subject doing quiet work... Roman, my heart. Outside of fart/poop jokes, his dry wit has us laughing out loud almost every day. He'll toss off a one liner, like the other day when they were all washing the Jeep. Doug said something about shuffling the brush over the car, or Charlie should shuffle over... Roman stuck his hands in his pocket and said, "you mean shuffle like this?" and proceeded to do a little tap dance number with a big grin on his face. He gets those little word plays that crack us up. In working with his adoption therapy, we found trying to get him to be okay with his story is just too challenging right now. He's got a lot of anger at his birthmom and a lot of feeling worthless that he's just not ready to tackle. So we are continuing on the plan to have him "graduate" from talk therapy for the time being, last appointment at the end of April. He really is controlling his moods & hyperactivity SO much better ...

(note to self: update the blog page! It's not Christmas anymore!) 2012 is bringing interesting changes on the mental health front. At the end of December our weekly therapist, D, and I agreed that we have gone as far as possible in respect to learning strategies to help Roman (both on parental and his own part). there is one big thing left for him to deal with - his story. Roman does not like to talk about his birth or the fact that he was abandoned. He will talk about Russia; occasionally let slip that he thinks about his birthfamily; but when it comes to facing the hard truths, he gets very dysregulated. So that is our goal over the next 2-3 months - he will be creating a physical timeline of his life with ALL the details that we can put together between what we know, what his paperwork said, and what Doug & I gleaned when we were in Russia. It's going to be hard, intensive work for Roman but necessary. Our visit to D last week brought the introduction of the timelin...

Last week Doug and I requested a meeting with both Roman's therapist and the doctor doing his neurofeedback. We had done 20 sessions and wanted to ask some questions, and kind of re-orient ourselves on the path we were taking and future steps. It was decided that for the next 5 weeks we would drop talk therapy and do neurofeedback 2x a week. We all were noticing that Ro does well for a few days after the neuro, then has a "spike" of uncontrollable moods for 2-3 days. We are hoping that by having neuro 2x a week this spike will go away. The meeting was good in another way too - for me, it was great to get some positive feedback on the work we've been doing with Roman. So much of it has been adjusting how we planned to parent; what works for Roman is usually the opposite of our gut reaction. They both commented on how far we've come and reminded us what Roman was like 2 years ago... besides his sweet side, there was a definite love-of-violence and lack-of-compassi...

"Three out of four of the markers for bipolar."   "If the medication works, you'll know he's bipolar."  "What you're describing are the symptoms of bipolar."  And yet I still want to be in denial. Not that it isn't manageable with medication, but it's a life sentence. Roman will always have to be on medication. He will always need to see a specialist. For a boy who does not want to be in touch with his feelings, or sometimes can't even identify them, this is horrible. We had been suspecting for a few weeks that the medication Ro was on to stabilize his moods wasn't working as well as it had. We were noticing more ups and downs, and they were getting both more frequent & larger in scope.  We had agreed that when we saw the psychiatrist today we would talk with her. But Roman put his bipolar on display Saturday - we haven't seen a low like that in months. Poor boy. Even as he is experiencing it, he can't explain why....

Charlie is in underwear all day now! He has only had one partial accident in 5 days. Awesome.  Roman's neurofeedback is finally showing some success too - we have had 14 sessions now. In tracking some of his behaviors, we have noticed 4 of them, most significantly his anxiety/fear of being alone, have really decreased. We also no longer see the constant interruptions & overtalking; his "boredom" and arguing has gone down as well.  Ro still has trouble regulating himself and keeping on an even keel, and we have noticed his impulsive behavior has ramped up. But, it's all the 3rd month of summer, and who knows what will happen when school starts? We have been pleased with what's happened so far. I have been on Weight Watchers for a month now and have lost a grand total of 13.5 lbs. What's even better though, is the every day things that have changed. I was able to pull 3 shirts out of storage that now fit me again. My belt has gone in one hole. A couple p...

In an homage to the truly entertaining Lego A Day , Roman has asked to create his own blog. It can be found at this link . We just started it, but he is having fun thinking up ideas.

I love that Army phrase. "Situation normal: all *$&@ up." That's pretty much life here at the VE household. While on a day to day basis everything is just fine, our kind of "fine" is much different than most people's. We've been tracking Roman's probable bipolar on a calendar and have found a definite peak & valley cycle. Now that we expect things on certain days, I think overall his larger rages are happening less and less frequently. So our weeks generally look like this: Sunday: Emotional meltdown or rage. The buildup of fun/less structure. He will end up needing to be helped to calm down. Monday: Very emotional, typically anger; occasionally needs help; still coming down from weekend. Tuesday: Good day. Wednesday: Emotional, cries easily. This is his "low" day. Thursday: Good day. Friday: Good day. Beginning to ramp up for "high" weekend. Saturday: Will have a short and quick "high" in the a.m. which we can...

Doug wrote this title on his Facebook the other day, and I had to completely agree. Roman was needing an adjustment in medication, & that means more of it. He was bouncy again in class, going to the bathroom 3-4 times before lunch alone. Picking his scabs until they bled on his leg, arm, & now under his nose. Having meltdowns almost every day after school. Disorganized thought processes (not making much sense or connections) after dinner. So we had to up his ADHD med, his bipolar med, & adjust the times he takes them. If it doesn't work, we'll probably have to up his anxiety med too. Sooo.... We hate it. I hate having to give him medicine to be like other kids. For me to like him better. For him to function in society and be accepted. Yet what I love about our therapist is she is always on the lookout for cutting edge & even more "natural" therapies. Enter: neurofeedback. Basically, it adjusts the "bad reaction" brainwaves to be "proper ...

Roman has 2 days in his new classroom under his belt, and things are fine academically speaking. I had a chance to speak with his teacher yesterday after school & unlike most parents (so I've heard) I decided to take the high road and just commiserate as a fellow teacher how stressed she must be to have to set up a classroom in less than 24 hours. It's certainly not her fault the district is lame in adding a class at the last minute. Socially speaking, I think Roman is going to have a harder time this year. He has no close friend in his class although he did know 3-4 kids. Roman is the kind who wants everyone to like him and there's a "mean" kid in his class who has been rude already, making fun of his shoes (which are totally cool, btw) on the playground. Roman takes everything personally so of course, this led to a meltdown this evening because he wanted new shoes immediately. It took awhile to get at the heart of the matter, and when he finally said what ha...

Monday night was really hard on Roman. He went to bed at 7:30 just to end the day and get on with school. But of course he had a hard time sleeping - up three times, ended up in our bed to fall asleep, took forever. Complained of a stomachache, headache, needed a Band-Aid, you name it. Charlie wasn't much better - he's had a cold the past few days so he's generally grumpy and at bedtime HE wants in our bed now, too. Ro's first day of school was awesome, though - Charlie's too. We got home & I'm paging through Roman's zillions of handouts and I see one that says they've added a split class (1st and 2nd combined) because of the high number of students. I knew right then - Roman was selected. And sure enough, we had a message on our machine stating that Roman would begin in the split class tomorrow. So what do you know... he has no idea who is in his class, he knows nothing about his teacher, and he is already worrying about the get-to-know-you "ho...

Driving past the temporary Halloween store on Aug. 23: Roman: "Can we get my costume today?" me: No. R: "Why not?" me: Because you haven't truly decided what you want to be, and I don't want you to change your mind after we buy something. R: "I do know! I want to be a zombie ninja!" me: A zombie ninja? R: "Yes! Or, a Jedi. Or, anything else they have that I might like." So he hasn't decided yet, but at least we've narrowed it down, eh? Charlie, on the other hand, hooted for a Buzz Lightyear costume at Toys R Us and has worn it around the house already. Clearly he knows his own mind. By the way, I Googled it & there is an actual "zombie ninja" costume. Wow.

With Roman, the little victories mean a lot. Especially me, as he seems to have such trouble expressing his love & affection toward me. I sometimes wonder if it's there at all. He's definitely not securely attached to me. For example, what I usually get is what happened tonight. He's at his grandparents, and he called us at 9:15 because he was having a hard time falling asleep. And he told Doug, he realized why - "I didn't say goodnight to you." Not me - he didn't even ask for me - it was Dad. When I tell him I love him, as I did on the phone, I get the same reply - "okay." Can you imagine telling someone you love them daily and only getting an "okay" in response? Doug told him the same thing on the phone, and Roman of course replied "Love you too." It's clear where I stand. It's hard to not take this personally, but it's what I have to do. It's not me, it's my position as mother. That's why I have ...

Roman has had a busy & fun summer, according to him. He got to stay at his grandparents’ in SJ for a few days with me & Charlie, and he is also in Lego Camp this week in the mornings which he loves. Baseball continues every Thursday until the end of July, and while no real skills are being learned Roman still likes the sport and has definitely improved over last year. He has had lots of playdates with different friends & done errands with me with little complaining. Also, we got the game Lego Harry Potter for the Wii, so with any extra time he beats it downstairs to do a level. On the internal side, Roman is struggling with an increase in anxiety. He has always struggled with separation, continuing to have nightmares about being “stolen” & asking lots of questions about what would happen if there was a tornado, if I had an allergy attack at a barn we visited, things of that nature. This anxiety has now extended to outside, where he basically refuses to play unless h...

Happy seventh birthday, Roman. We love you so very, very much.